men's sex guide

Never before has a men’s sex guide been so necessary.  Navigating the changing cultural roles of masculinity and indeed sexuality can be a nightmare.  The changing roles of men in the bedroom has left many men confused, and it’s not wonder.

The last century has seen an enormous shift in gender roles.  It’s inevitable that this dynamic would play out in the bedroom.  It’s putting an enormous amount of pressure onto men. Many men are finding that the sexual values they grew up with have completely shifted.

Keeping abreast of this can seem impossible.  This guide is to help you to navigate these shifts.

The Eeiry Silence of Meaningful Sex Talk

One of the biggest problems is that there is still a huge taboo around sex.  While fathers may teach their sons to kick a football, there is little healthy knowledge passed on about sex.  This contributes to huge misunderstandings which are aggravated by a lack of decent sex education.

One problem I realised that so many of my clients deal with is lack of decent information about their own and their partners sexuality.  Yet there is the presumption that the man should know.  How could he, though?  Nobody is telling or more importantly showing him.

 

Men's Sex Guide

Understanding the Changing Roles of Men in the Bedroom

Issues that are endemic in men like premature ejaculation are rarely talked about.  Most men are unaware of the factors like stress and breathing that contribute.  Similarly, most women don’t understand their own pleasure spots.

How on earth is a man supposed to know?

Men’s Sex Guide to New Discoveries about Female Pleasure

One of the biggest factors that have had a huge effect on men is the recent emphasis on female pleasure.  Let’s remember that for the last millennia, few people knew what a clitoris or G-spot was.  The female orgasm wasn’t even recognised by medical science.

Religion instilled an enormous amount of guilt and shame onto sexuality.  This had a huge impact of creativity in people’s sex lives. Sex was considered to be a release of frustration by the man.  Women were expected not to like it.

This all started to change in the 20th century.  The Second World War brought about a huge shift in attitudes towards sex and gender.  This led to the feminist movement demanding equality for women.  Inevitably this included equal rights in the bedroom.

The 60’s saw the Sexual Revolution as people started to explore what had been prohibited for so long.  Women started doing more and people started having more sex.

The Danger of Using Porn as Your Men’s Sex Guide

The porn industry cashed in on the trend creating a multi-billion dollar industry that thrives to this day.  Porn has in many ways taken on the role as sex educator.  I have heard of fathers even telling their sons to watch porn in order to avoid difficult questions.

Porn is arguably the biggest media used by men today.  It takes up around a third of internet usage, and research has found that 10% is being watched by children under the age of 10.

Porn, (or let’s say the depiction of sex and eroticism which includes an enormous range from including mainstream media) has definitely played a role in bringing sex to the public attention.  What once was at least publicly mystified (90’s movies would show a kiss and thigh and then zoom out leaving all to the imagination) has turned into a mainstream depiction of sex in movies and Netflix.

We can see sex without even switching on the porn.

The Deception of the Porn Industry and Hollywood

Let’s be honest, what looks good on film often doesn’t work out quite the same in real life.  Porn videos are designed to tap into male frustration and create addiction.  They are not depictions of fun and healthy sex.  Quite the oppostire.  While we have access to billions of sex videos, what they show has  Little to do with real life. They could even be harmful to copy.

One of the major problems with mainstream porn is that it’s designed to play into the disgruntled lonely male.  It’s geared towards busy and frustrated men who can’t relate to women.  That is why sexual violence and degradation of women is so popular.

At the same time porn is putting an enormous and unrealistic pressure on men.  One example is pressure relating to penis size.  Porn often chooses actors with exaggerated anatomy.  This gives the impression to most men that they are inadequate.

In fact, one of the most commonly googled terms relates to how to know if your penis is big enough.  What I find depressing about this is the lack of any kind of emphasis on female pleasure techniques.  These are the deal breaker when it comes to satisfying a woman.

Taking sex tips from porn is likely to lead to a disaster.  Many men copy porn not realising this is not how to have sex.  The biggest danger is that porn shows sexual violence without explaining consent.  Copying it could really upset someone or worse.

The Failure of Conventional Sex Education

Sex education simply has not kept up with this increasingly high tech depiction of sexual activity.  Sex Education in schools is hampered by society and parents.  There is the mistaken concern that if their child finding out about pleasure, they will become a sex addict.

Parental concerns are understandable, but based in misinformation.  Boys and girls need to be taught about sex.  Parents need to be aware children watch porn at ten years and younger.  They are enticed by the forbidden and looking for answers when parents avoid awkward questions.

Let’s not forget that, although laws and custom have changed in many ways, 60 years later the depiction of a female nipple is conventionally a taboo.  Sex ed takes the form of dry content which cannot compare to the influence that high tech porn videos have.

Children grow into adults nwith a lack of knowledge about their own and their partners sexual anatomy.  Worse still, they are bombarded with misinformation.  While there is a lot of talk about consent, it is not explained in meaningful terms and is seen as a limit to pleasure.

Embracing the Positive Masculine in the 21st Century

The roles of men and women, as well as attitudes about sex are in a state of flux.  What was OK ten years ago, may not be acceptable today.  The #metoo movement and conversation around toxic masculinity exemplifies this. It can be utterly confusing.

Many men do not understand really what is considered toxic.  Men actually can feel that it’s an attack on masculinity and men in general.  The message was correct, but for many men, it was not understood.

Many men are concerned about being accused of rape when they don’t see that they have done anything wrong.  Indeed, the legal definition of rape has changed and it’s important to know.  What women are looking for is men who understand them and respect their bodily autonomy, but the message is being lost.

This situation has left men in a state of confusion.  The absolute majority of men care deeply about satisfying their partner, and yet the information they are being given is disorienting.  Worse of all, the stress of all the contradictory messages is causing stress around bedroom activities and this is a recipe for disaster.

Men’s Sex Guide to Sexual Self-Mastery

It is indeed essential to work on yourself.  Because things are changing so much, you need to be aware of yourself and your interactions with the world around you.  Many men are actually finding meditation is really important.  Having a good relationship with your emotions is key.

As a sex coach, I work with men around the changing roles of men in the bedroom.  I help them to master their sexual energy and teaching advanced techniques of foreplay.  My background is in Tantra and also Taoist sexology and it’s fascinating to watch the huge increase of interest in these traditions which don’t attach guilt and shame to sexuality.

Sex is absolutely central to our experience of life.  If someone is suffering sexual problems or insecurities, this will inevitably spill over into aspects of their lives and effect their mental health.  This in turn effects the relationship between men and women and we see an accelerated tension as many men are confused by the change in gender roles and some take it as a personal attack.

The #metoo movement and increased accusations of “toxic masculinity” and sexual harassment are raising awareness.  However it’s understandable they are also raising a lot of resentment.  We are left with a messy situation of accusations flying around that benefit no one. There is actually still no clear guide of what is OK.

While many people are looking for political solutions, my experience is that by learning to have a healthy relationship with our sexuality, we find the balance we are looking for.  Through this and  by learning great techniques that you can put into practice with your partner, you can take advantage of the sexual freedoms that we have in the 21st century.

 

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