You may well have been advised to use lube as the key to better sex. In fact, many people just reach for the bottle as a default when making love. Yet women are perfectly capable of producing more than adequate lubrication, if you are using a good foreplay technique.
I do not use lube. That’s because I produce more than adequate fluids. However, it has not always been that way. In fact, there were times in the past that I found myself quite dry and unresponsive. On a few occasions I tried lube, but I found the strange stickiness of the chemical cocktail felt alien to me.
Why I never Use Lube
I have to say, I am glad I never got into lube. Somehow, I realised that my problem was more than something that could be rectified by a bottle. I knew deep down that it was not just about the wetness; something deep in my tissues was rebelling against the idea of sex.
That happened before I knew about slow sex. It also happened before I knew about the importance of breathing during sex, love and adequate and decent foreplay techniques. Because I decided not to override the message that my body was giving to me, I started to look deeper.
When I looked deeper I found that my own relationship with my body and my sexuality was in a mess. That was why I wasn’t responding. I started to ask my body what she wanted. I realised that what I wanted was to be in harmony with my body.
Learning to Listen to My Body rather than Use Lube
My journey took me through periods of celibacy and through periods of having lots of sex. It took me on a gentle and soft self pleasuring journey that sometimes would involve genlty placing my hand over my sexual organs without moving, and asking her what she wanted.
I realised that my body wanted different things at different times and I started to honour that.
The gentle relationship that I was starting to create with my vagina was in sharp contrast to how she had been treated before. In fact, I had become used to tensing and contracting against harsh grabbing that was supposed to stimulate me. Yes, I was contracting and disassociating rather than expanding into pleasure.
I had no language to say what I liked. To put it simply, didn’t know my pleasure.
To tell the truth, I was probably also scared to say in case I was wrong. I am amazed, looking back, how I thought I could be wrong about my own body. It’s unbelievable that I had no sense of ownership over my body, yet I know what this is what most women feel.
This is the result of the repression of women and female sexuality.
Do You Feel In Control of the Sexual Stimulation that You Receive?
Ask yourself, do you know what you want? Are you confident to explain it? Do you feel completely in control of the pace of things? Are you honoured if you say no?
In the past, I would completely rely on my partner for my pleasure. When I would hear my friends talk about sex techniques, rather than exploring them to see how they felt for me, I thought I had to enjoy them. I pressured myself to endure rather than finding my pleasure.
I would say the biggest mistake I was making was rushing sex. Female Sexuality is an intricate thing that must be paced at the right speed. I had no understanding of or respect for my own sexuality. I will be honest and say I thought my vagina was a hole for my partner to ejaculate in.
It is Time To Take Control Of Your Body and Sexual Experience
When I decided to take control of my body, everything started to change. I don’t just mean in the bedroom. My health and moods improved dramatically too. Also, I started to become far more creative at work.
I became much more assertive in bed, directing my partner to what I wanted, instead of being passive. I was lucky to get a good reception from him, although I also have experienced getting a bad reception for speaking what I wanted.
If someone doesn’t respect what you want in bed, this is a huge red flag. Nobody should do anything sexual to you that you said no to. This happened to me once, and I had to have a serious look at what was happening. I actually stopped the relationship because I know what happens if I endure things in bed that I am not totally into. I know because if happened before.
If I put up with things I do not like in bed, my sexuality shuts down.
The Key Steps to Getting Back into A Relationship with Your Sexuality
You can reclaim your body. You can reclaim your sexuality and your pleasure. It is your body do not forget that. When I decided to take control of my sexuality, I started by using these steps:
Breathing brought me into my body. That’s where I wanted to be.
Take Control of my Love Making Experience
I stopped being a vessel for male pleasure. I decided to actively seek what I wanted.
Go Slow and Gentle
I found that the best way to explore was slow and Gentle. I got so much more sensations that way.
Using Lube is Not Your Only Option
I totally understand that grabbing the lube is the easiest thing to do. If you are rushed for time or have a partner who is keen to get onto “the real stuff”, his pleasure and his ejaculation, it seems logical.
I just want you to know there is another way. You can listen to the message from your body. I did. You can start to build a relationship with your sexuality. You will reap some increadible rewards.
Your sexuality is your power. Take your power back.